I have a 5 year old daughter that wants to gauge her ears someday and I keep trying to make her think, "What is the FIRST thing I want people to think when they see me?" Because, baby, if you gauge your ears then you will NEVER get the chance to recover from the instant judgment that will be passed upon you by most of society that is OUTSIDE your own age bracket. I have plenty of friends that have their ears gauged, and honestly if my earlobes weren't the size of the average 8 month old, I probably would do it too. Before you get all "Well, aren't you a hypocrite?" on me, understand this: I know who I am and don't care if my physical appearance is pleasing to your eye. I am one for freedom of expression, as are most of my circle...
But this isn't about ear gauges; it's about similar expressions of creativity and individuality.
It is both a Rant AND a Rave. And it's long. I have a great combination going on right now of passion for the subject and total boredom with whatever else I should be doing.
So for what it might be worth to you, here is the same advice I give EVERYONE that's contemplating their first tattoo.
1. Be sober. Stone. Cold. Sober. Period.
2. Research beforehand. Meaning, watch the artist work, check out samples of their work. Make sure their place is clean. If you wouldn't sit down there and eat a burger, leave immediately.
3. If you're going to get something written in a foreign language, have someone of that nationality (someone that you TRUST) write what you want FOR you and bring it to the artist. Alternatively you can have that person go with you so they can translate what you see before you get inked. Otherwise, you could end up with a tat on the back of your neck that you THINK says "I love my mother" but you're constantly getting your ass kicked because it really says, "Your mother's a whore".
4. Make sure you chose something that means something to you, not some trendy thing you're constantly going to have to explain once that fad passes. For those of you old enough to remember imagine if you had...say...Jem from Jem and the Holograms in portrait style...across your back. Yeah. SEE!?!
5. I used to make this "point #4A" since it is so closely related. But about 10 years ago (wow, I'm getting old, I just realized it was more like 11 years now) I decided it is probably THE single most important thing I say to prospective ink recipients so it gets its very own number now. In regards to things that REALLY mean something to you...and this is IMPORTANT: never, never never never NEVER NEVER NEVER put someone else's name, initials, portrait etc. on your body to whom you are not related BY BLOOD. EVER. Never. Did I say never? Okay, we covered that.
6. Put it someplace that the whole world isn't going to see it, because later, you may not be so thrilled (now proceed to #7 because it's relevant, I swear).
7. Most people find that once they get "my first tattoo" they either regret it instantly and start wondering "is there a way to get rid of it?" OR they love it and almost instantly start thinking "my next tat's gonna be...." So become comfortable with the notion of having multiple tattoos before you get your FIRST tattoo. Or don't get any at all.
8. Make sure you have plenty of money and a high tolerance for pain. A good tat shouldn't BE cheap, man. You are paying an artist for a permanent piece of art. If that person is doing the drawing for you then it's twice the work of art. If you want a cheap mass production, then by all means, go to the Wal-Mart of tattoo studios outside the back gate of the nearest Basic Training camp and pay $40 for the same thing that FOUR THOUSAND other dudes JUST LIKE YOU have *See caveats before you jump on me about Unit Crests and the like. Anyway, the reason you need to have the money and the tolerance for pain is not necessarily for GETTING the tattoo, it is just in case you fall in the first group from #7. Because, for you folks, removal is an option but it is not cheap, it is NOT pain free and it will probably leave a scar that ranges in severity from "Hm...is that a scar right there? I've never noticed that before" to somewhere in the neighborhood of, "Holy SHIT! Were you NAPALMED as a child!?!" (As a bonus, though, IF you followed the advice in #6, no one ever has to see the scar unless you let them because YOU were smart enough to put your first tat someplace discreet.)
Okay, for the caveats: No, I am not a tattoo artist. Yes, I have multiple tattoos. Three to be exact. For those of you sporting the Double A's of the 82nd, or the Head of the Screamin' Eagle or something similar, ROCK ON. That doesn't fall into the "cheap mass production" category it falls into the "means something special to me" category.
The thing about MY tats though is that like one lady said to me when we had a tat conversation, NONE OF THEM is in a readily visible area. I have none on my hands, wrists, arms, face, etc. I have one on the back of my neck which is only visible when I pull my hair up, and the others are on my ankle and hip. I wear pants or jeans 99.7% of the time, and I know how to cover them to a point where you will never even see them unless I tell you they are there. (For those that care to know how, I'll put that at the very end) My point is, I don't HAVE to cover mine. I'm fortunate enough to have family and friends that actually like them. In addition to that, I'm also a bartender. No one CARES what we look like. Most people are slightly frightened of us even without tats and they barely let us out from behind the bar anyway. But unless you want to spend your life working with inanimate objects, or you are Blessed to be talented as a clothing or interior designer, or capable as a chef, blah blah blah...then you better LIKE living in squalor because you're going to have slim pickings in the job market because people ARE judgemental. If you have studs in your face and tattoos across your neck and are up against an equally qualified candidate that appears "Clean Cut" the dude may very well be a scum bag, but he'll win because all they see is your adornments.
Being the mother of a girlr these days, though, I WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE with random lady. You can be a free spirit and you can be an individual without compromising your ability to make a good first impression.
So, to my baby girl, when you're 18 you'll be allowed to do whatever you want. And I will just have to hope that you heed my words and the words of the random lady and, thus, you make a good decision. If so, we'll go see if CAITLYNN is still working at SKIN CITY TATTOO in TIGARD, and if she's there, then I will leave you in her highly skilled hands and you will be free to get whatever ink you want. But until you are 18 NO INK and NO GAUGING.
And that's my take on Tattoo decisions.
Here's the "free tip" about covering I promised. It's more directed at the female population, unless you are like my dear friend Adam and do drag, but I digress...
I once worked for the most recognizable and "trusted" lingerie company in the world, and I had about 4 managers. However there was a certain one, I saw her almost every day, for months and she had no idea I had any tattoos - I only had two back then - until someone told her. with this company, you were not allowed to have ANY visible tattoos or piercings.
First of all, do an allergy test first, just like the makeup package says. Get yourself a Maxx Factor Pan Stick and slather that stuff on over the tat until you can just barely even see it anymore (it's gonna be pretty thick and the stuff isn't cheap but Maxx Factor is the kind that NEVER FAILS to work. You get what you pay for, I suppose). Okay, after you slather that on, feather out the edges so it's not just a big ass circle. Throw on a good dose of loose facial powder so it isn't sticky anymore. Now carefully put your nylons (if you are the type to wear them....I'm not) on and NO ONE will ever know they are there. This works for me because yes, you will have to put hose on and if you constantly scratch at it or cross and uncross your legs all day long you may have to touch it up (it's makeup, don't you usually have to touch that up?) but if done right you can wear anything you want, even open toed shoes because they DO make nylons with no toes, you know, and no one has to know you have them. Now...I wouldn't do this without hose because the makeup would wear off onto your clothes and you'd probably spend a fortune on dry cleaning bills...but for me this works. Getting the stuff OFF, is a trick in and of itself so here's the follow up: Get yourself some cheap ROLL ON deodorant. Old School style, wet ass, roll on deodorant with the roller ball (like Sure or whatever's cheapest) and a big tub of cheap ass baby wipes to go with it. And grab some moisturizer while you're there. Okay, shake up the roll on and slather THAT all over the makeup until it starts to get wet. Use the baby wipes to wipe off. Repeat as necessary. Then moisturize. Deodorant has a tendency to dry the skin out..and we all know that tattoos that are dried out and flaky just look nasty. You don't want it to be left having the appearance of a dried up chunk of sunburned skin do you? I didn't think so.
No comments:
Post a Comment