battlecry of frustration...

What the eff people! I need a mothertrucking job, and I have a resume that says I am more than fit to be your stupid front desk/administrative assistant, bartender/server, cosmetologist, etc. I have applied to a ton of jobs on the interwebs and personally in person, and not one of them responded. WHAT THE DEUCE?!

Cover Letter? Here's my cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll kick an old person if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that bear and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! HELLS NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? BRING IT! I'll shoot the freaking lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a job!

OBJECTIVE
I need a effing job.

STUFFS I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1984, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's body like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had a relationship with 2 of the Backstreet Boys .
-The "anal bumcover" was originally my idea until that bastard Sean Connery (with the help of Alex Trebek and writers at SNL) stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocalypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this The Microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my anorexia issue when I was 19 with my love for Taco Bell (you think that isn't hard? have you ever been anorexic? yeah...didn't think so)
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a mothertrucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said holes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,
Little Old Me