a letter to my old friend, Al C. Ohol...

Dear Al-

First & foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My Friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a chili dog, along with potato skins and some stale chips (washed down with Diet Pepsi and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few handfuls of Wheat Thins and french fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you're pushing the limits.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. I'm already clumsy by nature. I do not need your assistance. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public - Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and double check if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why they are so appealing to me while I'm with you??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4 am hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire morning is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (a large lemon-lime Gatorade and a Snickers bar and a bottle of Ibuprofen) prior to going to bed, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Al, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 12:59 pm (right before Thanksgiving with my family) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, from your biggest fan.