1. We are the retail associates thine greeters, cashiers, and fitting room attendants. Thou shalt have no other expectations before us. Thou shalt not raise thy voice in anger if thy humble customer service servants cannot validate thy parking ticket, tend to thy ADD-afflicted progeny, or tell thee where thou canst find the nearest Radio Shack in the mall.
2. Thou shalt have but a few select items before thee when thou enters the hallowed fitting rooms. Thou shalt choose thy items with care whilst thou peruses the racks of plenty, considering carefully what thou wouldst appear flattering in as well as what thou can fit thy self into. For we thy retail associates are but go-back-despising, lowly-paid peons, cursing for all generations them that pluck freely from the racks, try on multiple items, and purchase none, leaving the bounties of the retail gods strewn across the fitting room floors.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the retail associates thy fellow human beings in vain for acts of God or corporate policy, e.g., refund policies, product selection and availability, or long lines, none of which thy humble front-line servants have any power to change.
4. Thou shalt remember thy retail establishment's closing hours, to keep it holy. Thou shalt not enter any establishment less than fifteen minutes before closing and thou shalt seek to purchase the cotton-blend fruits of thy labor within fifteen minutes of closing, particularly on the most holy days of holiday eves. If thou must enter or stay past closing time for emergency purposes, thou shalt pluck from the shelves of plenty only that which thou needs, being aware that every minute thou loiters or every article thou mess'd up damns thy retail associates to further toil and sorrow in the purgatory of night time cleanup.
5. Thou shalt honor thy retail establishment's general appearance and level of cleanliness. Thou shalt always fix or pick up that which thou hast so obviously disarrayed or caused to drop the floor, and thou shalt never leave on any random rack or shelf that which thou no longer desires to purchase. Thou shalt consider how thou wouldst feel if a multitude of thy patrons came to thy office and randomly scattered thy filing system, office supplies, and the beanie babies which sit atop thy computer monitor.
6. Thou shalt not seek to kill thy retail associates' belief in humanity. Thou shalt realize, particularly on busy days, that thy humble front-line servants are often under-paid, under-staffed, under-trained, and over-worked with more tasks than thou may be aware of. If thou art approached by an associate, thou shalt acknowledge thy associate as a friendly fellow human seeking to assist thee, not as a scourge upon the sales floor to rob thee of thy cash and credit cards.
7. (I can't believe I have to list some of these, but) Thou shalt not commit gross iniquities against thy retail establishment. Thou shalt not masticate, urinate, defecate, excoriate, regurgitate, masturbate, or procreate in the holy halls of retail apparel.
8. Thou shalt not steal, especially not by using thy baby stroller, foreign grandmother, or wrinkled Macy's department bag lined with tinfoil. That wouldst make thou hella ghetto.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy true clothing size. Thou shalt be realistic about thy physical proportions; if thou hast never before fit into a size three, thou shalt not attempt to wedge thy portly self into ten articles of size three clothing in the hopes of divine intervention, generous sizing, or loose seams.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy retail associates' phone numbers. Thou shalt not misconstrue friendly desperation to meet sales quotas and/or earn sales commission as sexual advances or invitations to such advances.
The retail gods have spoken; go forth and spread the word, my fellow shoppers. 'Tis the season.
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