Day 2...

I woke up this morning freezing cold and noticed that it was classic Portland weather outside, but in the wrong time of year. Here in the Rose City, our summer season traditionally lasts from August until early October. It's August 31, and I feel like it's my birthday because of the weather outside. Usually on chilly mornings such as this, I make some pancakes, eggs and hasbrowns, or oatmeal for breakfast...and oatmeal sounded just awesome this morning.
After hiding under the covers for around an hour, I finally dragged my butt out of bed, took the dog out, and went to the kitchen to see if there was any oatmeal for the kids and I to down. Oh, there was oatmeal alright...plain boring oatmeal. Normall I don't mind, but today it just didn't sound appealing. Even putting brown sugar and cinnamon in it wasn't doing it for me. Plus, I discovered I'm out of lactose-fee milk. Boo.
To the freezer! The freezer always holds something tasty! I opened the door, and there it was.....a microwavable chicken pot pie. YESSSSSSS! But, Sam...a chicken pot pie for *breakfast*? HELLS YES! I took my paring knife, punched about 10 holes in the top, threw it in the microwave, and within 5 minutes the smell of browning crust, gravy, chicken, potatoes and peas were filling my kitchen. Hoenstly, my breakfast today rocked.
As for the kids, they opted for plain old oatmeal and yogurt. Traditionalists. Psssh. ;)

Day 1...

There I am, stuffing my face with the miracle that is glorious pizza. Lactose intolerance can kiss my Irish-Scottish behind. Usually I'm behind the camera, but being my best friend's maid of honor (of sorts) didn't really let me do that. So, tada! This is what you get when I'm left to my own devices...me cramming delicious food into my mouth in almost every picture taken of me (or at least at a function where I can be seen near the tasty nutrition).

Let's see...how was my day today? Well, in all honesty it's 7:18am and I'm not even out of bed yet. However I can tell you how it's been since midnight.
Allergies kept me awake until 2 freaking a.m. Sore throat. Itchy eyes. Blah blah blah. Not even Benedryl was helping. Any my sunburn from my friends' wedding on Saturday itches like a baseball player's crotchal area in the bottom of the 8th inning. Blah. So, I was up until approximately 2:14 (or something like that) watching Heath Ledger parade around in 18th century Italian fashions while chasing skirts. Ah, Casanova...what a life you led.
And now it's 7:21 a.m. One hour and 9 minutes until my kids get dropped off and my mother and I whisk them away to the Oregon State Fair for the day. And after hearing my dog making that gagging/dry heaving noise, grabbing his collar, bolting down the stairs and out the door so he didn't heave on my bed while chanting "No no no no no no no no...." until the front yard was reached, I really hope that isn't how the rest of the day is going to go. Honestly, I might just go back to sleep for half an hour so I'm not a complete and total bitch when the mini me's get here.
I am excited to go to the fair. I haven't been since I was pregnant with my son 7 years ago. And going to Salem for the day will keep me out of trouble and off Portland's streets for about half a day. Not bad. Not bad at all.

ugh, fine...I'll be an effing lemming.

The 30 day blog challenge. I swear everyone and their thrid cousin twice removed's hairless dog is doing it.Of course right now I hear my mother's voice in my head "If everyone jumped off the Marquam Bridge, would you do it too?" Of course my sarcastic nature would force me to reply with "Do I have a bungee cord, and how much alcohol would I have imbibed at time of said jumping?"

However, why not? It will keep me off the streets and out of trouble for *at least* 20 minutes a day...maximum.

Here's the setup...thirty days of doing an assigned task as per The List (listed below) and supposedly at the end of the 30 days, you are supposed to look back and see if you've had any personal growth. Well...let 'er rip.

THE LIST
Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

scribblins

can you see me now?

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about the correlation between cell phone stores and crazy people (“a lot” being the amount of time I’ve spent in cell phone stores waiting for someone to help me). Last time I was at the Verizon store, an old lady was screaming at one of the employees because he wouldn’t install “some’a them pie-phone apps” on her eighties-era Zach Morris phone. Another guy was going around to all the camera phone floor models in the store and taking pictures of his crotch. It was like being in the waiting room in hell, except with a stronger sense of impending doom.

This woman is probably asking why there’s so much interference in her phone reception. Maybe it’s the SATELLITE DISH’S worth of metal she has holding her hair up. Local radio stations probably have problems when she walks by the building.

...and he has to *SPARKLE*

SWF, 25 seeks the comedian type with a panache for karaoke. Must love beer, bacon, BBQ, dancing in the dark, Guitar Hero, Red Sox/Mariners baseball, kids, Colts/Seahawks football, really bad movies, and driving to the beach at random times. She's a blonde bottlerocket who loves attention (so hope you don't love the spotlight too much), baseball, Johnny Cash, a good game of Scrabble or a crossword puzzle, karaoke, Disney movies, Elvis Presley, Twilight, and laughing. English is her second language. Sarcasm is her native tongue. Also speaks Blonde and Drunk (the latter from years of on the job training at a bar). No high maintenance girl here. Gets dolled up for a night out on the town maybe twice a year...tops. Jeans and a tshirt with a hoodie is her uniform of choice!

WARNING: Has been known to sing showtunes in her sleep...



disclaimer: This personal ad is for entertainment purposes only. However, if you fit this description, foward your information, and it will be kept on file for 60 days.

the 25 things....thing

1. I am "dairy sensitive"...so not cool
2. I have a sick and unhealthy love for bacon, beer, and barbecue (the trifecta of deliciousness)
3. The thing that can always make me smile a good joke
4. I friend for life, so even if we get in a fight, 10 years later I would completely still consider you a friend and start right back up with the friendship
5. I am the biggest nerd ever....well, Disney nerd anyway
6. I have a ton of friends, but only a handful that are true ones that have been there for me through thick and thin, and vice verse
7. I love to turn my music up and dance crazy style around my house
8. I karaoke every week. I love it. It's my crack.
9. I would do anything for my kids.
10. I am my own worst critic
11. I love to read...some call it an addiction, I call it a passion
12. I still really enjoy listening to the Spice Girls
13. My favorite features on myself are my eyes
14. My favorite feature on others is their smiles
15. I hate putting liner on people with crinkly eyelids
16. I get irritated when people have expectations based on gender stereotypes
17. I love my guitar. Picking it up and just rocking out is good therapy...and cheaper.
18. I love it when runway models fall down when on the catwalk. What can I say, I'm sadistic like that and find it hilarious.
19. I am a redneck country girl
20. I love roller coasters
21. I always find it weird that they bleep out the god in goddamn
22. I have an amazing memory for details, but can never remember where I put my cell phone
23. My friends mean the world to me. Screw with them, and you'll have my foot up your ass.
24. I love being around people.
25. I am a history geek. Take me to Colonial Williamsburg and I will be in Heaven

awwwwww.....shi-at

In less than 7 days, my car was broke in to, and then towed. THIS IS NOT MY FREAKING AMUSED FACE....

truthisms

Who was your first kiss for this year?
It should have been Tucker, but the damn dog had is own agenda...as for whom it ended up being, like I'd say who it was. Pssssh. I don't kiss and tell.

Do you think you'll have a valentine this year?
Well, Singles Awareness Day has already passed...and I didn't. As for next year, that's 6 months away. I have no idea what is in store for me tomorrow!

Are you one of these people who are always cold?
Haha, yes. Anemic people rock! It's like snuggling with a Butterball turkey!

What are you listening to?
Shout It by KISS

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?
Haha no! I buy things that I actually need!

What did you last eat?
a few wheat thins and cream cheese

Who was the last person you were with [beside family]?
Sir Jimothy for a split second

How many windows do you have in your room?
2

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
HAHA....oh yeah. Lots of people actually.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Attemping to beckon the Sandman and texting the goofy looking Irishman about those douchers that broke into my car AND IMing Adrienne. Busy busy girl!

Who made you smile today?
Kipper. He nudged my bedroom door open this morning and leaped up onto my bed for impromptu snuggle time. Nothing like a good cuddle with your dog.

Is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yes, in fact there are more than just one.

Would you rather sleep with someone next to you or alone?
Someone next to me to warm my freezing ass up!

Are you a jealous person?
Nah. What a waste of an emotion.

Do you think age matter in relationship?
Sometimes

When was the last time you got a haircut?
Last month when I trimmed my newly shortened hair.

Do you find it hard to trust others?
Yes indeed.

I bet you miss someone right now?
Of course.

Have you told anyone you loved them today?
Sure thing, jelly bean.

Are you afraid of the dark?
Dude, I loved that show as a kid! SNICK rocked my legwarmers!

Do you have any scars?
Indeed, some intentional (piercings and tattoos) but most weren't! Oh the joys of being a klutz by nature.

Are you a naturally happy person?
Yes! :D

What was the first drink you had this morning?
Coffeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Do you currently have a hickey?
I had no idea I was 13 years old. Thanks for setting the record straight. And all this time I was under the impression I was a 25 year old mom of two. Geez....

What was the last thing you burnt yourself with?
Oven rack.

Do you think ex's can be friends?
Yes, I've seen it happen many times.

Something you do a lot?
Sing my little blonde heart out

Do you like the rain?
Yes! It's the best hitting the windows or the roof at night as I drift off to sleep.

When will you get your next piercing and where would it be?
..I'm good on piercings...maybe another tattoo though...

Ever kissed someone who was high?
Yes. Welcome to Portland.

What was the last thing you did before this survey?
Played chess with Jordan.

Ever wore the opposite sex underwear?
All the time...as nightwear

Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
As much as I love Jessie...she's not really my type. Haha.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
No freaking idea. Too many people were at Tori and JP's wedding for me to know.

if you were upset who is the first person you would go to?
Depends on what I am upset about

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
1 pair...and that's all I need. I still prefer my flares or bootlegs. Skinny jeans = denim leggings.

Have you ever been caught skipping class?
Yes, but I had a legit reason. Being box office manager my Senior year for drama rocked!

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
And probably have my life as it is now turned upside down? Nah.

Besides you, who knows your myspace password?
Nephi does I'm most positive.

How far away is the last person you kissed?
Don't know...6-9 miles?

What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
It depends, but usually "Ah, crap. Go away morning.....zzzzzzzzzz"

How many piercings do you have?
6

Do you have a boyfriend/..​​girlfriend?​​
I am pleading the 5th amendment on this.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Pssssh. Don't know, and who cares? I mean, I care, but that's November, and the only things in November that I'm focusing on right now are my birthday and Thanksgiving.

Can you commit to one person?
Yes, yes I can.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
Nah. I have some standards. Not a ton, but *some*

Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
Yes. It was so sweet everytime he sang to me in public.

home

I love my city....

Dear Males...

Ah darlings,

I quit. I don't give up easily but when it comes to you & finding one of you who won't drive me up the wall, I have come to the decision to throw my arms up in the air & stomp away.

You impossible, delicious bastards! I don't understand how you work or maybe it's the Universe just thinking it's funny to fuck with my poor brain. When I want a relationship I get all these perverts thinking its impressive & proper behavior to tell me how big their penis is within the first 5 minutes of meeting me. When I want a meaningless fling ranging to maybe something semi-serious but then all the sudden they are deeply infatuated with me & I can't, frankly, stand them as a person for more than the drunken conversation over beers & sex talk. Don't even get me started on the raging psychos that I've been stupid enough to meet in bars or through freinds...yeah YOU. Nuts.

Oh christ & while I'm at it...old guys. Stop it. Just stop. I don't know what makes you think that leering at me, sending me dirty pictures, or telling me I'm hot is going to do, but it's certainly NOT going to make me want to date you, do you, or little else besides sitting there all night being squicked out because some creepy, hairy, old man who looks like my Dad just told me I had nice boobs.

Every guy who has given me a glance of appreciation, I always smile back if interested...give due notice to say I am open to conversation perhaps? I've posted a million Missed Connections looking for those STUPID STUPID males who give me a shit-eating grin as they get off the bus. Could you have maybe done that a few minutes BEFORE your stop perhaps? That would be nice. Look, I'm not taking a flying leap off a bus just because you smiled at me. If you think I am worth smiling at, do it sooner or just don't. I have places to go, like class, for which I cannot be late no matter how cute you are (Johnny Depp & Jeff Goldblum are the only exceptions).

Now, before I get yelled at, I have approached guys I am interested in. I have made efforts. I have had some successes with it, just not many. It kind of sucks.

But, to my original point...I quit. I am done making all this effort for a bunch of slack jawed incompetents, psychopaths, jealous maniacs, & the like. I'm just not approaching anyone or even searching for anyone period anymore.
Whatever happened to chivalry anyways? Whatever happened to the aggressive male? The one who takes charge of a situation? Jeezus.

I hear all these guys whining about how their girlfriend is materialistic, a drama queen, shallow, & boring. Well, all signs should have pointed to this almost immediately were you not blinded by a size 2 waist & tits the size of tasty casaba melons. (Before someone calls me a lard ass, I am of average shape, have 2 kids that I faithfully play with and chase for exercise, & my tits are spectacular) You met her in a sports bar, when she was wearing her Prada sandals, had her real Coach bag, & used enough hairspray to drown a moose in. She made you buy her every drink, interrupted to talk on her cell phone, & put out the first night. Uh, duh? Please stop complaining about your stupid girlfriend when you were stupid enough to completely ignore the fact that she's generally stupid in the first place & continually ignored it past the second "date" mark & are STILL ignoring it past the 6 month to the 3 year mark. Shut up shut UP!

Me, and the many females like me, in our self-ripped jeans & hoodies with little to no make-up & a working knowledge of cars, billiards, zombie movies, drinking games, & awesome strip clubs get to sit in the backseat to the spangly, shiny, snotty ladies who spend 2 hours getting ready to go to their freaking friend's house. We don't understand this. We don't grasp the concept of wearing high heels to shit hole bars or the need to spend over $20 on a shirt or a stupid purse that we hate carrying but have to anyways. We hate malls, we hate people who take longer than 45 minutes in a shower (it does take some time to shave you know), & most importantly we don't get why in the name of BBQ anyone would tattoo their OWN name on the small of their back. If anyone could fill me in on that, please do. That would rule.

So in summation, you do not know how freaking awesome I am, or any of the other girls like me, & even if you do notice you don't take any initiative whatsoever on your part. Girls like me; we want someone who will take control for once. We like manly men. Not sissy-pants in girl jeans with more hair products than us. Since you have chosen to ignore this fact I will no longer be approaching any of you, or actively looking for any of you to become the person who not only rocks my mind, but my naughty little body as well. You will find me in a shit hole dive bar tossing back whiskey & cheap beer. You will find me sitting in the square staring at people waiting for them to do something stupid, you will find me on the bus & the MAX rocking out to the Deftones, Dredg, & other assorted super awesome bands. If you're good at navigating Powell�s, I'm there too. I'm the girl who's drooling slightly & giggling at the massive pile of books I've managed to accumulate. You will find me in libraries busting my ass to pass all these classes I take in order to make sure I am a well-educated & successful person. If you can find an abandoned house, I might be in there, or have been in there because exploring those things is fucking AWESOME except the spiders. Screw spiders. I'm not down with those.

Where you won't find me; however, is on the lookout for a new man. I've decided I have my life to live & I am tired of running into complete trolls & dead ends. My time is precious & you guys completely insist on wasting it. It's gotten old hat, to say the least.

If you want me, come get me. Otherwise, have fun looking for cute new cell phone charms with those other broads.

Reluctant little <3,
Me

From Me...Your Waitress

Hi. I'm your waitress. Can we talk?
This is a codependant relationship, and if it's going to work out, we need to get a few things straight. I really want this relationship to work because we both know we need each other. You want to eat in a place that makes you feel welcome, and I want to make a living and meet nice people. If we both move on to other restaurants, we'll encounter the same issues with other people, so there's no point in breaking up. But if you want to keep coming to my restaurant, I need to lay out my boundaries:

1) Yes, I am here to serve you. I even want to like you. Really, I do. So if we are having a bad day, let's not take it out on each other, OK? I won't snarl at you for ordering one of those skinny-decaf-soy lattes-with-not-a-speck-of-foam if you won't growl at me for forgetting you ordered water with no ice. Let's start out on the right foot and smile at each other.

2) I am a good waitress, but I am not super-human. If there are 100 other people in the restaurant clamoring for attention, I can't run errands endlessly just for you. Sweetener for your coffee? You got it. Skim milk instead of the half-and-half on the table? Ok. Another napkin? No problem. A to-go box? A slice of lemon? Fine. More hot water? Side of sour cream? Yup. Directions to the zoo? Crayons for your daughter? ALL RIGHT. Just try and ask for as many things at once as you can at once, rather than have me scamper back and forth from your table like a golden retriever who never tires of the ball. Please.

3) There are some folks out there who object to the tipping system, and actively protest by not tipping their servers. This is like starving your cat because you object to the cost of pet food.
Write your congressman, start a petition, or run for office on a "no tipping" platform that will revolutionize the industry. Be my guest - it's a weird system, and a change wouldn't hurt. But depriving us of our livelihood isn't going to do anything constructive.

4) Guys. Do you know how many of you come in and make eyes at me? Ever wondered why you have a "thing" for waitresses? I'll tell you why: I always smile at you, and I bring you everything you ask for. You're probably not getting THAT in your personal life. Who is, come to think of it?
You idealize me because I do everything to serve your needs and I never complain. Just bear in mind that in my personal life, the apron comes off, and I have needs and issues, just like everyone else.
And by the way, staring at my boobs while asking me out is not a good tactic for getting a date. Waitresses keep telling you this fact on CL forums and in magazine articles and whatnot, and yet you keep staring at our boobs and asking us on dates. It's the darndest thing.

5) Girls. It's not my fault your boyfriend is staring at my boobs while I serve the two of you. Please don't tip 5 percent to get back at me. I'm just as disgusted as you are, sister.

6) Parents. Listen. A restaurant is full of hot things, pointy things, and slippery things that might hurt little Jimmy. Pinchy things, and big things that fall from above.
Please keep an eye on the wee ones.
Some kids are absolutely delightful and well-behaved, so I know it's possible to keep them in line, but some parents just pump their kids full of sugar and let them loose like rabid little pygmies. It's rather alarming to find Jimmy in the kitchen trying to empty a soup pot over his sister's head. For a start, he should at least have a Food Handler's permit.

7) Yes, you can split the bill, but splitting it eight ways with eight cards is a bit much. Four is stretching it, even. If you're meeting seven friends for dinner, perhaps you could all bring cash and just throw it all into the pot. Just a suggestion. It works really well and saves you waiting extra time while your bills gets sorted.
Not only does splitting the bill and running all those cards take up a ton of time and concentration, I usually don't have eight pens on my person so you can all sign at once. I've usually given all my pens out to the kids by then, and getting them back can be tricky.

8) I realize this is Oregon, and we're all proud that we do our bit to make the planet a more sustainable place. We recycle, we buy local, and we pour leftover water on the plants outside. But it's awfully hard to run a restaurant without violating a few environmental precepts, so I'm sorry, but the Splenda is NOT biodynamic. The ten-minute lecture on sustainability (while I'm busy trying to split a bill with 8 credit cards) is not going to change that.
... and you are starting to get "rant spittle" at the corners of your mouth. Here's a napkin.

9) You know what time we close. Please stop coming in with two minutes to spare, then sit there for an hour, dawdling over your lunch and reading the paper from cover to cover. Sure, I enjoy talking with you after everyone's gone, but this is not your house, and I have to be somewhere. I've been here for ten hours and I'm tired. Please finish your meal and leave.

10) Oh, and a last one for the guys again: PLEASE do not take a magazine into the only bathroom in the place and stay there for ten minutes. That's just gross.

I love you, Portland. I know we can make this work.

Big hugs,
Your waitress