Hello, Portland. Last night I saw about half of you, children in tow, participating in a centuries-old begging ritual that I happen to ADORE, and I thought I'd share a few specific observations.
First off, a rave: the vast majority of children at the door were extraordinarily well-mannered, thoughtful, and respectful of both me and your fellow trick-or-treaters. And my friend's cat. Thanks for asking first if you could pet her... which most of you did, and every single cat-petter was extremely gentle. Thanks for that. She had a great time.
Now, to get a little bit more specific.
A rant to the band of 14-15 year old girls dressed as Playboy Bunnies. UM!? Who lets their kid go out like that? You got Starbursts, you little twits. I hope they don't get stuck in your braces.
A rave to the group of teenage girls who eschewed candy and instead collected canned goods for Loaves and Fishes. Brilliant! Sorry that I wasn't prepared and Kris' kitchen wasn't stocked enough - maybe this should become a thing next year. Instead of teenagers whoring for candy (um, literally, so it seemed), they could all bring backpacks and collect nonperishables. The fun of trick-or-treating without... well... annoying me.
A rant to obviously Lake Oswego Mom who stood at the foot of the stairs and said "Do you guys have any non-sugary stuff?" Um. Not really. It's Halloween. K might have a couple of organic Russet potatoes in her kitchen or something. If you don't want your kid to have candy, don't freakin' take them trick-or-treating. Duh.
A rave to the royally-dressed family who, instead of asking for non-sugary treats, just asked for UNICEF money and nothing else. What ever happened to UNICEF? I had a pocketful of quarters, and I gave them all to you, because you were the first people who asked, and I was about to close down shop. Also, your kids were super-sweet and your older princess made fast friends with the kitty. Teaching your children civic responsibility while not being annoying... I'm duly impressed.
A rant to the obnoxious woman who criticized my friend for having her cat on a leash ("torture", you said). Yep, she's on a leash. No, Kris don't let her run around outside. There are so many reasons behind this. When she first got this cat, Kris kept her inside all the time, but her new roommate got her a leash and tried it out. She was hesitant at first, but it turns out, the cat seems to really like it. It gives her a taste of the outdoors without Kris having to worry about her getting randomly raped by the big scary neighborhood male ghetto-cats or simply run over by a car. And something about saving the songbirds - I don't remember what, exactly, but I read it on Craigslist so it must be true. Anyhow, you think it's cruel. Yeah, she was clearly miserable. That's why she was purring and licking your child's hand.
A rave to the wandering accordion troubadour. Fun! Clever! And you're really good! I seem to remember you from last year, too... please make it a tradition! Ignore the pack of teenagers who laughed at you. While most people think accordions are annoying, EVERYONE thinks teenagers are annoying. You win.
A half-rant to the children who don't understand the phrase "take two". Yeah, I saw you palm three bite-sized Milky Ways. I don't care enough to actually rant, but don't be thinkin' you're all clever, now.
A rave to the sweetest pair of big brothers I ever saw - most 10-12 year old boys don't take care of their little tiny (3? 4?) sister quite like that. You carried her up the steps so she didn't trip in her tiny princess costume. We said to the little one, "Awww, is that your big brother?" and she said, "Yeah, he's a really sweet big brother! And [pointing at the other one] he's a really sweet big brother too!" in her tiny little voice - we performed a full choral AWWWWWWW! All three of you got big handfuls of candy.
And a rant to the trick-or-treating twenty-something couple. She was pregnant and smoking, and he got candy for both of them. I didn't even know where to start with this one. UM. If you're old enough to get down to babymakin', you're too old to be trick or treating. And you can't smoke while you're pregnant. And if you're too pregnant (and too busy smoking) to come up on my porch, and send your guy to do it for you... Jeez. You were admittedly polite and friendly, but COME ON!
And finally, a rave for all of the fantastic costumes that I saw, ESPECIALLY the non-store-bought ones. The little quarter (as in 25-cent-piece). The cat and the fiddle. The bookshelves. Thing One and Thing Two. A highly convincing and very tiny Harry Potter. Too cute, all of you. Bravo to creativity.
So, thanks, y'all. It was, overall, a great start to my night.
Wow, you got a crazy bunch of people. I read some of them to Brian, and he asked why you gave candy to those people (namely, the Playboy Bunnies and the smoking preggers). He would've gone inside under the guise of getting more candy, and then called Child Services on all of them.
ReplyDelete