so...you think you want a tattoo?

 I have a 5 year old daughter that wants to gauge her ears someday and I keep trying to make her think, "What is the FIRST thing I want people to think when they see me?" Because, baby, if you gauge your ears then you will NEVER get the chance to recover from the instant judgment that will be passed upon you by most of society that is OUTSIDE your own age bracket. I have plenty of friends that have their ears gauged, and honestly if my earlobes weren't the size of the average 8 month old, I probably would do it too. Before you get all "Well, aren't you a hypocrite?" on me, understand this: I know who I am and don't care if my physical appearance is pleasing to your eye. I am one for freedom of expression, as are most of my circle...

But this isn't about ear gauges; it's about similar expressions of creativity and individuality.

It is both a Rant AND a Rave. And it's long. I have a great combination going on right now of passion for the subject and total boredom with whatever else I should be doing.

So for what it might be worth to you, here is the same advice I give EVERYONE that's contemplating their first tattoo.

1. Be sober. Stone. Cold. Sober. Period.

2. Research beforehand. Meaning, watch the artist work, check out samples of their work. Make sure their place is clean. If you wouldn't sit down there and eat a burger, leave immediately.

3. If you're going to get something written in a foreign language, have someone of that nationality (someone that you TRUST) write what you want FOR you and bring it to the artist. Alternatively you can have that person go with you so they can translate what you see before you get inked. Otherwise, you could end up with a tat on the back of your neck that you THINK says "I love my mother" but you're constantly getting your ass kicked because it really says, "Your mother's a whore".

4. Make sure you chose something that means something to you, not some trendy thing you're constantly going to have to explain once that fad passes. For those of you old enough to remember imagine if you had...say...Jem from Jem and the Holograms in portrait style...across your back. Yeah. SEE!?!

5. I used to make this "point #4A" since it is so closely related. But about 10 years ago (wow, I'm getting old, I just realized it was more like 11 years now) I decided it is probably THE single most important thing I say to prospective ink recipients so it gets its very own number now. In regards to things that REALLY mean something to you...and this is IMPORTANT: never, never never never NEVER NEVER NEVER put someone else's name, initials, portrait etc. on your body to whom you are not related BY BLOOD. EVER. Never. Did I say never? Okay, we covered that.

6. Put it someplace that the whole world isn't going to see it, because later, you may not be so thrilled (now proceed to #7 because it's relevant, I swear).

7. Most people find that once they get "my first tattoo" they either regret it instantly and start wondering "is there a way to get rid of it?" OR they love it and almost instantly start thinking "my next tat's gonna be...." So become comfortable with the notion of having multiple tattoos before you get your FIRST tattoo. Or don't get any at all.

8. Make sure you have plenty of money and a high tolerance for pain. A good tat shouldn't BE cheap, man. You are paying an artist for a permanent piece of art. If that person is doing the drawing for you then it's twice the work of art. If you want a cheap mass production, then by all means, go to the Wal-Mart of tattoo studios outside the back gate of the nearest Basic Training camp and pay $40 for the same thing that FOUR THOUSAND other dudes JUST LIKE YOU have *See caveats before you jump on me about Unit Crests and the like. Anyway, the reason you need to have the money and the tolerance for pain is not necessarily for GETTING the tattoo, it is just in case you fall in the first group from #7. Because, for you folks, removal is an option but it is not cheap, it is NOT pain free and it will probably leave a scar that ranges in severity from "Hm...is that a scar right there? I've never noticed that before" to somewhere in the neighborhood of, "Holy SHIT! Were you NAPALMED as a child!?!" (As a bonus, though, IF you followed the advice in #6, no one ever has to see the scar unless you let them because YOU were smart enough to put your first tat someplace discreet.)

Okay, for the caveats: No, I am not a tattoo artist. Yes, I have multiple tattoos. Three to be exact. For those of you sporting the Double A's of the 82nd, or the Head of the Screamin' Eagle or something similar, ROCK ON. That doesn't fall into the "cheap mass production" category it falls into the "means something special to me" category.

The thing about MY tats though is that like one lady said to me when we had a tat conversation, NONE OF THEM is in a readily visible area. I have none on my hands, wrists, arms, face, etc. I have one on the back of my neck which is only visible when I pull my hair up, and the others are on my ankle and hip. I wear pants or jeans 99.7% of the time, and I know how to cover them to a point where you will never even see them unless I tell you they are there. (For those that care to know how, I'll put that at the very end) My point is, I don't HAVE to cover mine. I'm fortunate enough to have family and friends that actually like them. In addition to that, I'm also a bartender. No one CARES what we look like. Most people are slightly frightened of us even without tats and they barely let us out from behind the bar anyway. But unless you want to spend your life working with inanimate objects, or you are Blessed to be talented as a clothing or interior designer, or capable as a chef, blah blah blah...then you better LIKE living in squalor because you're going to have slim pickings in the job market because people ARE judgemental. If you have studs in your face and tattoos across your neck and are up against an equally qualified candidate that appears "Clean Cut" the dude may very well be a scum bag, but he'll win because all they see is your adornments.

Being the mother of a girlr these days, though, I WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE with random lady. You can be a free spirit and you can be an individual without compromising your ability to make a good first impression.

So, to my baby girl, when you're 18 you'll be allowed to do whatever you want. And I will just have to hope that you heed my words and the words of the random lady and, thus, you make a good decision. If so, we'll go see if CAITLYNN is still working at SKIN CITY TATTOO in TIGARD, and if she's there, then I will leave you in her highly skilled hands and you will be free to get whatever ink you want. But until you are 18 NO INK and NO GAUGING.

And that's my take on Tattoo decisions.

Here's the "free tip" about covering I promised. It's more directed at the female population, unless you are like my dear friend Adam and do drag, but I digress...
I once worked for the most recognizable and "trusted" lingerie company in the world, and I had about 4 managers. However there was a certain one, I saw her almost every day, for months and she had no idea I had any tattoos - I only had two back then - until someone told her. with this company, you were not allowed to have ANY visible tattoos or piercings.
First of all, do an allergy test first, just like the makeup package says. Get yourself a Maxx Factor Pan Stick and slather that stuff on over the tat until you can just barely even see it anymore (it's gonna be pretty thick and the stuff isn't cheap but Maxx Factor is the kind that NEVER FAILS to work. You get what you pay for, I suppose). Okay, after you slather that on, feather out the edges so it's not just a big ass circle. Throw on a good dose of loose facial powder so it isn't sticky anymore. Now carefully put your nylons (if you are the type to wear them....I'm not) on and NO ONE will ever know they are there. This works for me because yes, you will have to put hose on and if you constantly scratch at it or cross and uncross your legs all day long you may have to touch it up (it's makeup, don't you usually have to touch that up?) but if done right you can wear anything you want, even open toed shoes because they DO make nylons with no toes, you know, and no one has to know you have them. Now...I wouldn't do this without hose because the makeup would wear off onto your clothes and you'd probably spend a fortune on dry cleaning bills...but for me this works. Getting the stuff OFF, is a trick in and of itself so here's the follow up: Get yourself some cheap ROLL ON deodorant. Old School style, wet ass, roll on deodorant with the roller ball (like Sure or whatever's cheapest) and a big tub of cheap ass baby wipes to go with it. And grab some moisturizer while you're there. Okay, shake up the roll on and slather THAT all over the makeup until it starts to get wet. Use the baby wipes to wipe off. Repeat as necessary. Then moisturize. Deodorant has a tendency to dry the skin out..and we all know that tattoos that are dried out and flaky just look nasty. You don't want it to be left having the appearance of a dried up chunk of sunburned skin do you? I didn't think so.

a letter to my old friend, Al C. Ohol...

Dear Al-

First & foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My Friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a chili dog, along with potato skins and some stale chips (washed down with Diet Pepsi and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few handfuls of Wheat Thins and french fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you're pushing the limits.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. I'm already clumsy by nature. I do not need your assistance. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public - Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and double check if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why they are so appealing to me while I'm with you??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4 am hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire morning is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (a large lemon-lime Gatorade and a Snickers bar and a bottle of Ibuprofen) prior to going to bed, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Al, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 12:59 pm (right before Thanksgiving with my family) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, from your biggest fan.

10 things you can physically do to make traffic not so wonky...

Sure, you could ride transit or carpool or bike, but that's not gonna happen, so here are easy things you can actually do...

All of these fit a theme. The theme is: It's not all about YOU out there. You are part of a collective. If everyone did these unselfish things, traffic would be much better:

Welcome to Traffic Hell...

1. Don't tailgate. When you tailgate, you have to tap your brakes at the slightest speed change. You tap for a second, the guy behind you taps for two, the guy behind him for four, and so forth. Ripple effect that equals slowdown.

2. Use onramps correctly. ACCELERATE! Get up to a speed that matches overall traffic, then merge seamlessly. Too many people here merge into 60 mph traffic at 40 mph. People hit their brakes, and again you get a ripple effect.

3. Honor the left lane. Move over when not overtaking cars. Yes, we've talked this one to death. Just do it.

4. Pick a lane and try to stick with it. Incessant lane changes for little real gain can cause slowdowns for much the same reason as the onramp example above. Think ahead: Will the lane you're in peter out soon, or turn into an exit-only lane? Get yourself in one that will see you through to your destination.

5. At stoplights, pay attention. If you're first in line waiting at a light, be sure you're pulled up far enough, as someone here already noted. Then PAY ATTENTION! Watch the light. When it changes, go! Driving is war, and you've got the point -- so stay alert! That goes for everyone in the back of the line too, but we have way too many people at the front who use stoplight time to apply makeup, read the paper, change the radio station or eat french fries off their car's floor.

6. Step on it. If traffic's going 60 in your lane, why aren't you keeping up with the guy ahead of you? Why do you feel the need to go 57? Again, you're part of a collective out there. Join in, please.

7. Don't go so fast you get pulled over. Because every time someone gets pulled over, it gums up traffic for the rest of us. People rubberneck and irrationally brake (like the trooper's gonna drop you to go after them), and the aforementioned ripple effect ensues. So drive briskly, but don't risk a ticket. If you're going over 70 in a 60 mph zone, you're risking it.

8. Look way down the road. I get on 26 eastbound pretty much every week from Raleigh Hills at the West Slope. Two lanes from Canyon Road are onramp only, and another shoots you off onto the Sylvan Hill. Invariably someone is sitting in the middle, onramp-only lane who wants to go straight. And he just sits there, and people are stuck behind him. It happens at every signal, because the mope didn't READ THE SIGNS. Look ahead. Look far ahead. Look way past that big honkin' SUV you're behind, if you can. The sooner you see signs and the sooner you see trouble, the sooner you can avoid messing up in a way that affects the rest of us.

9. Live the golden rule. Let people in. Wave when someone lets you in. I wish I had a buck for every time I've signaled to enter a gap in a lane, and the car that's far back in that lane guns it to try to keep me from moving over. No wait, I don't wish I had a buck, I wish I had his head on a pike. But you've gotta check that impulse too. Do unto others ... you know.

10. Devote yourself to the task. This is covered in many of the points above, but driving is not simply something you do to pass the time while listening to the radio. Driving is the all-consuming task at hand.

So DO it -- briskly, efficiently and competently. So that we can all get out of eachother's way.

Merci.

it's a gin blossoms kind of day...

  

template for all your "missed connections" needs...

Save lots of time hunting down your missed connection with this easy to use template. Just check the appropriate boxes, and you're well on your way to eternal happiness!

I was at
[ ] Starbucks
[ ] Starbucks
[ ] the Starbucks kiosk in the Safeway

and you were
[ ] working at the Starbucks.
[ ] a customer at the Starbucks.

You were
[ ] ordering a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name.
[ ] making a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name.
[ ] enjoying a "venti half-caf soy latte" or some other nonsense with a made-up name.

I couldn't help noticing you
[ ] made eye contact when I paid for my drink.
[ ] nodded politely when I asked for a lid for my drink.
[ ] admiring how concisely I used the fake coffee terminology when I ordered my overpriced, made-up name beverage.

I was the
[ ] guy wearing a trendy commie army hat and an oh-so-predictable, 3 sizes-too-small t-shirt from a thrift store and a shaggy 1976 hairdo.
[ ] guy with the "I'm so effing ironic" 70's fu man chu mustache and mirrored aviator sunglasses and greasy hair.
[ ] girl wearing hiphugger jeans that are so small that they make my spare tire look like one from an 18 wheeler, prominently displaying my "tramp stamp" tattoo.

You were
[ ] the girl pretending to ignore me and acting like you were busy typing furiously into your iBook.
[ ] the barista pretending to be too busy working to notice how hot I am.
[ ] the guy making a complete mess at the condiment counter while doctoring up your fancy expensive coffee drink.

I think there was a spark and I think you know it too. Wanna get some coffee??

random trivial facts...

My first crush was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I love dogs. I'm close with my family, which includes 3 sets of parents, 9 siblings, 5 living grandparents (and 3 deceased ones), 18 cousins (plus their spouses and kids...too many to count or I'd have a headache), 15 aunts and uncles, and my two awesome kids. I like to dance, sail, hike, swim, play baseball and pool. I'm 26. I've done freelance makeup for 5 years, and for 4 years before that in high school. My toenails are painted neon green. I have a sick and unhealthy love for the trifecta of deliciousness: bbq, bacon, and beer. I was active in student council for choir for 2 years in high school, and was the box office manager for drama my senior year. My friends and family call or text me randomly for answers to historical, cinematic, or bartending questions . My second crush was JC from NSYNC. If I could be anyone other than who I am, I would be Jennifer Aniston. I've bought things from the As Seen on TV aisle at the store (my favorite is still the Magic Bullet). I make great oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I can't stand eating onions in anything...it's a texture thing. I like my eggs over medium. I'm going to go back to school and get my certification for hair styling and cosmetology. I love Austin Powers. I collect art/photos/memorabilia with lighthouses on it, but don't claim to know anything more than certain photos and paintings make me extra happy. My main "talent" seems to be my klutziness. I kiss with my eyes closed. I like tomatoes in ketchup, pizza sauce and spaghetti sauce, but not as a tomato itself . Ironing is my 2nd favorite favorite household chore. I have a knack for cutting hair. I don't like chocolate. I'm right handed. I've had my heart broken two times but I've only broken one. I love Shark Week on the Discovery channel. I always felt bad for Daffy Duck. If I were a lesbian, I'd have a crush on Jennifer Tilly. I'm allergic to cats. I like to drive fast. I cry at sad movies. When I was a kid, I loved to make experimental dinners for my family. I like men with hairy chests, but not a sweater. I sometimes believe horoscopes. I love to wear lingerie. I grew up in a town I still love. I wet my toothbrush before putting the toothpaste on, and after the toothpaste is on. I like cheese, but it doesn't like me. I was a social butterfly in high school, and didn't belong to just one clique. I make wonderful lasagna. I'm 5'6" tall. I love playing pinball but suck at video games. I love climbing trees still. I'm an awesome parallel parker. My favorite place is Hawaii. I don't get why people watch Star Trek. I type with great speed. I've lost three pairs of sunglasses so far this year. My favorite escape is to the Oregon Coast. I consider cooking to be very therapeutic. I was Cinderella for my first Halloween. I speak two languages poorly and one language well. I don't dress up very often, but when I do, I look pretty awesome. My guitars are two of my favorite belongings. I forgive, but never forget. I prefer the window seat. I want to fall in love.

battlecry of frustration...

What the eff people! I need a mothertrucking job, and I have a resume that says I am more than fit to be your stupid front desk/administrative assistant, bartender/server, cosmetologist, etc. I have applied to a ton of jobs on the interwebs and personally in person, and not one of them responded. WHAT THE DEUCE?!

Cover Letter? Here's my cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll kick an old person if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that bear and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! HELLS NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? BRING IT! I'll shoot the freaking lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a job!

OBJECTIVE
I need a effing job.

STUFFS I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1984, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's body like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had a relationship with 2 of the Backstreet Boys .
-The "anal bumcover" was originally my idea until that bastard Sean Connery (with the help of Alex Trebek and writers at SNL) stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocalypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this The Microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my anorexia issue when I was 19 with my love for Taco Bell (you think that isn't hard? have you ever been anorexic? yeah...didn't think so)
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a mothertrucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said holes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com


So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,
Little Old Me

steps to eating a lunch from Chipotle...

1. You're hungry. You're busy. You're pretty broke. Hungry + Busy + Broke = Chipotle sounds pretty good.

2. The eater walks to Chipotle...DAMN now you start to feel hungry. A Chipotle burrito sounds really good, and filling, and you haven't eaten one in a while now - the last one made you feel kind of sick. However, due to the magic of Chipotle, you cannot seem to remember feeling sick after the last one, or if you do, it has no bearing on the sudden craving.

3. Reinforcement of the Chipotle obsession sets in - driven mostly by Chipotle's marketing campaign. It's FRESH, you assure yourself, and it's healthy. God what a brilliant place. Forget that they are owned by McDonald's. Relationships to McDonald's fades from memory. You are uncontrollably drawn to the local Chipotle. To make matters worse, the people are Twilight Zone friendly when you get there, particularly the man/woman at the register. YOU LOVE CHIPOTLE.

4. The eater hurries back to the office...yum yum yum, Chipotle in the bag, yum yum yum, I am going to be SO full after this yummy lunch. Fellow co-workers shoot sympathetic glances in the elevator while saying, "oh you got Chipotle? oh yeah, yum yum! it's easy and close...so filling though!" , however tone of voice indicates [DANGER YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A BAD EXPERIENCE BUT I KNOW I CANNOT STOP YOU FROM INDULGING].

5. Eater begins to attack burrito/burrito bowl...first wonders, "How will I eat this thing, it is so big?" again forgetting how they eat it every time they get it, which is about once a week to once every two weeks.

6. 1st quarter of burrito is gone. Still ravenous. Burrito is going down GREAT. You can't shovel enough. It tastes SO FRESH! They made it so FAST! Shovel, shovel, big bites, and rice is oozing out all over. Chipotle seems like a genius lunch place. You almost wish you ordered two.

7. Half of the burrito is gone. Eater slows in pace a little. Attitude still good. Excited, but tiring slightly.

8. Things begin to slide downhill during the second half of the Chipotle experience. Weird film forms in mouth. Beans taste weird. Cilantro tastes not so good. Breath is inevitably really bad. You realize the rice isn't really cooked right. Still eating, just feeling slightly....off. The last quarter is especially hard to finish, but you do, because your brain is still sure that the burrito is an awesome idea, but your stomach is in emergency mode, sending out signals to everything, screaming, "shut down intake of burrito...overload...red flag". For some odd Chipotle reason, you finish the burrito with a sense of accomplishment and impending fear. You feel obligated to finish the burrito.

9. Eater feels disgusting. Eater wonders how the burrito actually fit into their stomach. Just washing the dish and wiping off the table makes you a bit sick. The eater cannot get the lingering taste out of their mouth, and feels self conscious during happy hour/staff meeting. Stomach is bursting with burrito contents. Feel horrible, exhausted, and angry about eating the burrito. Eater feels scared about what will happen once burrito leaves the actual stomach. Strange intestinal problems may ensue.

10. You don't eat dinner. You vow to never eat Chipotle again. It's good, but it is not worth it. No no no.

11. One week passes. Memory of bad aftermath of Chipotle lunch is miraculously a foggy memory. Sudden craving starts to creep back in...will be fully ignited one day when you say to your self...I'm hungry, I'm busy, and I'm broke....what should I do for lunch?

never say no to panda...

 A friend sent me the link to this over a month ago, and it is pretty much the funniest thing I've seen all year. I can't get enough. Cheers, Egyptian marketing teams for Panda Cheese! You not only have a viral series of ads, but they're also effing brilliant!
P.S. Thank you for using Buddy Holly as your soundtrack. Priceless!!!!

21+5...

One thing about Halloweek is certain in my house: pure madness. Madness I say! One of my sisters' birthday is on October 29, two days later is All Hallows Eve, and two days after that is the annual celebration of my escaping the womb. True story.

So far, my birthday has been a "mish mash" of meh. My birthday party on Monday fell through. Tuesday on my birthday, party was canceled due to technicalities with my renewed driver's license, and last night the big bash was once again forced to be moved....to next week. Ye gods, am I destined to never properly celebrate the beginning of the second quarter of a century of my life? So it would seem.

However, last night I had the chance to spend time with my friends Casey, Julia, Will, and eventually Eric at the Silver Dollar, Underdogs for pool, and ended the night at the Blue Moon with some nomalicious McMenamin's beer and tots. Oh....tots. Tater tots are almost the perfect food. (No, they were not cajunized. Don't judge.)

Closing down the Blue Moon, playing pool and learning how to play sports bar shuffleboard was definitely the highlight of my birthday so far. So, thank you friends. Have your actions completely fixed the injustices that Birthday 2010 has deemed fit to present me with? No...but it's close. And I thank you.

bringing Halloweekend to a close...

Hello, Portland. Last night  I saw about half of you, children in tow, participating in a centuries-old begging ritual that I happen to ADORE, and I thought I'd share a few specific observations.

First off, a rave: the vast majority of children at the door were extraordinarily well-mannered, thoughtful, and respectful of both me and your fellow trick-or-treaters. And my friend's cat. Thanks for asking first if you could pet her... which most of you did, and every single cat-petter was extremely gentle. Thanks for that. She had a great time.

Now, to get a little bit more specific.

A rant to the band of 14-15 year old girls dressed as Playboy Bunnies. UM!? Who lets their kid go out like that? You got Starbursts, you little twits. I hope they don't get stuck in your braces.

A rave to the group of teenage girls who eschewed candy and instead collected canned goods for Loaves and Fishes. Brilliant! Sorry that I wasn't prepared and Kris' kitchen wasn't stocked enough - maybe this should become a thing next year. Instead of teenagers whoring for candy (um, literally, so it seemed), they could all bring backpacks and collect nonperishables. The fun of trick-or-treating without... well... annoying me.

A rant to obviously Lake Oswego Mom who stood at the foot of the stairs and said "Do you guys have any non-sugary stuff?" Um. Not really. It's Halloween. K might have a couple of organic Russet potatoes in her kitchen or something. If you don't want your kid to have candy, don't freakin' take them trick-or-treating. Duh.

A rave to the royally-dressed family who, instead of asking for non-sugary treats, just asked for UNICEF money and nothing else. What ever happened to UNICEF? I had a pocketful of quarters, and I gave them all to you, because you were the first people who asked, and I was about to close down shop. Also, your kids were super-sweet and your older princess made fast friends with the kitty. Teaching your children civic responsibility while not being annoying... I'm duly impressed.

A rant to the obnoxious woman who criticized my friend for having her cat on a leash ("torture", you said). Yep, she's on a leash. No, Kris don't let her run around outside. There are so many reasons behind this. When she first got this cat, Kris kept her inside all the time, but her new roommate got her a leash and tried it out. She was hesitant at first, but it turns out, the cat seems to really like it. It gives her a taste of the outdoors without Kris having to worry about her getting randomly raped by the big scary neighborhood male ghetto-cats or simply run over by a car. And something about saving the songbirds - I don't remember what, exactly, but I read it on Craigslist so it must be true. Anyhow, you think it's cruel. Yeah, she was clearly miserable. That's why she was purring and licking your child's hand.

A rave to the wandering accordion troubadour. Fun! Clever! And you're really good! I seem to remember you from last year, too... please make it a tradition! Ignore the pack of teenagers who laughed at you. While most people think accordions are annoying, EVERYONE thinks teenagers are annoying. You win.

A half-rant to the children who don't understand the phrase "take two". Yeah, I saw you palm three bite-sized Milky Ways. I don't care enough to actually rant, but don't be thinkin' you're all clever, now.

A rave to the sweetest pair of big brothers I ever saw - most 10-12 year old boys don't take care of their little tiny (3? 4?) sister quite like that. You carried her up the steps so she didn't trip in her tiny princess costume. We said to the little one, "Awww, is that your big brother?" and she said, "Yeah, he's a really sweet big brother! And [pointing at the other one] he's a really sweet big brother too!" in her tiny little voice - we performed a full choral AWWWWWWW! All three of you got big handfuls of candy.

And a rant to the trick-or-treating twenty-something couple. She was pregnant and smoking, and he got candy for both of them. I didn't even know where to start with this one. UM. If you're old enough to get down to babymakin', you're too old to be trick or treating. And you can't smoke while you're pregnant. And if you're too pregnant (and too busy smoking) to come up on my porch, and send your guy to do it for you... Jeez. You were admittedly polite and friendly, but COME ON!

And finally, a rave for all of the fantastic costumes that I saw, ESPECIALLY the non-store-bought ones. The little quarter (as in 25-cent-piece). The cat and the fiddle. The bookshelves. Thing One and Thing Two. A highly convincing and very tiny Harry Potter. Too cute, all of you. Bravo to creativity.

So, thanks, y'all. It was, overall, a great start to my night.