why I'm not the perfect girl for you...

For a while now, I've been cruising on Craigslist. I get bored at night a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Usually it's in the employment sections, or I'm posting something that I will trade for money. But the personals always get me. Every guy on here seems to think that he is God's gift to mankind (not even just the women!). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that Folgers.

Regardless, here's some of my commentary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women)

I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female - Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No. I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

looking for friend with beniftits - *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what "beniftits" were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I'd be happy to tutor you. Maybe I'm viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

im 6'4" 270lbs blk straight teeth - Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma.

If you are fake, I have no time for you. - Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don't want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you'd slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* "No honey! You don't look fat in those jeans at all!" Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don't think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self - I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can't see someone asking for a woman who doesn't shower? Doesn't buy clothing that fits? Doesn't pay her bills? I'm confused.

i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars. - Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead! Jeez.

I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there. - Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. Eff this friends boohickey.

I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges - Would 5 months be okay? I'm not sure if I'll be able to tell if you're genuinely not a serial killer until then.

im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws - I dub this the "no fatties" clause. Don't you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!?!?! And eww, 130? I think my 85 year old grandmother weighs more than that.

I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things - I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

I'm 5'6'brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like. - Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired.

likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes - Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

Not interested in "morally bankrupt women." - What if I'm just financially bankrupt?

Anyway, I'm ending my rant there. And, if I've pulled from your ad, and you're offended... Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you'll meet that 21 year old model virgin you're so desperately seeking.